I wuff you much.

Lately Pike has been giving me hugs followed by saying "I wuff you much." Or sometimes he'll say "I wuff you special." This makes me so happy. My big dude, all boy, too tough to try on a girls hat or play dolls but certainly not too tough to tell me he loves me.

He is a big boy and is pretty much potty trained. (I say this and yet he had 3 poopy accidents today!) He just doesn't want to go on the potty. It is more a matter of me paying attention to him. If I notice he has to go, he'll go on the potty but when I'm not paying attention, he'd rather do the big potty in his pants.

Pike is talking a lot and it is so much fun hearing what he has to say. For the past two weeks we have been discussing costumes for Halloween. Pike is convinced he wants to be a ladybug. He must not know that a ladybug is a girly costume because if he did, he wouldn't want to have anything to do with it. At the dinner table last night, Stephen asked him what he wanted to be, he put his finger to his face as if thinking and then randomly said, "a fish!" I am trying really hard to convince him to be Superman. We will see!

Sincerely, Me.

When you think about people you enjoy being around, what is a trait you admire? When I go through my list, a trait that always comes up is being genuine and sincere. I like "real" people. I like people that aren't afraid of telling me they had a bad day. That life is tough. And that they blew it, (with whatever because we all know we blow it sometimes.)

This is a trait that I have to work on possessing. I feel like I have always been a goody two shoes. I'm not meaning to boast; I don't take pride in this fact. I was never that rebellious child. And I guess my life just seems good. But I am not perfect and I make many mistakes and as great as my life is, it's a mess! But that goody two shoes in me always wants to put on a mask and pretend like I have the perfect life.  That my house is always clean. I spend plenty of time with my kids. I never yell. I certainly never act out of anger. I cook a full meal every night. I read a dozen books a day to the kids. We clean their rooms before bed every night. I am madly in love and have no relational problems. What more could I ask for?

This. Is. Not. True. In attempt to be sincere and real, let me tell you some of the things I struggle with. I had a container of disinfectant wipes sitting on my bathroom counter for 3 weeks. It only took me 15 minutes to scrub the surfaces with them and I honestly don't have an excuse why it took me 3 weeks other than I used my time when Crew was occupied to browse Facebook instead of scrub my bathroom counters. I close my bedroom door every time guests come over because it is EMBARRASSINGLY messy. Not just a few clothes on the floor- a disaster.

I hate the fact that I do get angry and act out of anger towards my kids far too many times. In fact, I called Pike a turd bucket yesterday. I then had to tell him that he isn't a turd bucket (I don't even think he knows what it is but he knew by my tone that it wasn't a compliment.) and ask him to forgive me. And that's not the worst I've done, just the most recent.

We do love books but lately I have just been too tired and lazy. It takes too much effort and I have found myself letting my kids entertain themselves. Sure, they can do that. But are they feeling loved? Am I cherishing my children? I don't know.

Over the past month, I have only cooked a handful of times. I am not superwoman.We eat at Taco Time a lot occasionally. Tonight I could hardly walk in Pike's room. The girls' room is a disaster and I have about 8 loads of laundry to fold.

Stephen and I know that we love each other. Deep down we do. But to be honest, it is hard. We haven't been on a date without a baby for 6 months. And we haven't been on a date WITH a baby in 6 weeks. When Stephen gets off work these days, one of us cooks dinner or we hop in the car and go out. Then one of us runs errands or goes to the store usually with 1 or 2 of the kids. Then I try to go to the gym to run a couple miles (gotta burn that baby fat...sad thing is, I also have to have that chilly goat!) Then we have about 30 minutes together before I start to fall asleep on the couch or Crew starts crying and needs fed. Crew is waking up every 2 hours through the night and Jovie and Pike are up at 5:30am.

I am a sinner. My life is a mess. Sometimes I don't know what to do. Sometimes I cry while pacing the floors with Crew trying to get him to sleep. I am not a perfect homemaker. I am not a perfect wife. And I am certainly not a perfect mom.

All for a Chilly Goat

Lately, my craving of the day is a Chilly Goat. It's a blended espresso beverage from Dancing Goats Espresso in downtown Olympia. Yum! Some days, it's that one thing I get for ME. Sometimes you have to have just a little something that makes you happy to get you through all of those tough moments throughout the day that might not be so happy or may be just difficult. Anyway, it's a treat and some days I go out of my way to get one. Like driving downtown before nap time so that I can enjoy it during nap time.

Last week, I thought I'd get one. I hauled all of the kids into the coffee shop. Stood in line...and just when it was my turn to order, Crew blew his diaper out. (WARNING: if you are disgusted by baby happenings such as this, read no further.) There I stood with Crew in my arms, Pear and Jovie dancing around as usual and Pike running back and forth to make the automatic doors open and close, and what did I notice? Mustard, dripping down my hand, through my keys (which were in said hand), onto the floor. Embarrassing- for me. I looked like the crazy woman I am with four kids, out of control. I then tried to nonchalantly tell the kids we are ready to go, trying to not make a big deal of the poo. And of course Jovie, my inquisitive one, says in her loudest little girl voice, "why mom? Why are we leaving already?! Why do we HAVE to go? You didn't get your coffee yet."

If you were a fly on the wall, this is what you would've heard me saying in about a 30 second period: "Really? You really had to do this Crew? Oh, great. Come on kids we have to go. I'll explain in a minute, Jovie. Come on Pike! You need to obey me. Stop touching that. Come on. Pear, honey, stop dancing come on, this way. Our car is this way, Buddy. Let's go! Jovie-Joves, look both ways. Do you see cars? Hold hands. Oh brother, what a disaster. All for a coffee!"

We made it to the car. I bathed Crew while the rest of the kids jumped throughout the car. Pike had the hazard lights on, the wipers turned up and the rear-view mirror adjusted. Thankfully I had a spare t-shirt in the car, (I'm not that organized mom, always prepared for catastrophe.) And we decided to do a take II. I got my chilly goat and headed home. By this time, Crew was tired and decided to cry the whole way home. Worth it? Maybe. It's the little things that keep me sane. Or maybe it's the little things I try to do that will lead me to insanity. Either way, I'm blessed, I'm loved and we've made it through another day.

 
 Just a little update on life:

Crew is 4 months old. This is sad. Part of me really wants him to stay a baby forever. We adore the little guy and I'm pretty sure he adores us. He laughs when we dance with the kids. He is also very ticklish. He likes to play with his toys but that doesn't happen as often as we'd like because Pike likes to "play" with him and his toys as well and that seems to spoil the fun.









 




Pike is a big boy. He is the cutest 2 year old boy and he is 100% boy! He does not want to be cute. And will be sure to correct you if you say he is cute by responding, "No! I'm Pike-ee Dude!" Sometimes I can get away with saying he's cool but he still usually will correct me. He is on day 4 of potty training and he's doing amazing. He carries around a special green and orange airplane I bought him. He brings it everywhere, to the table at meals, to the grocery store, into the bathroom and sleeps with it.  I bought it for him almost a month ago and he hasn't let it out of his sight since. He is also into super heroes and Iron Man seems to be his favorite.




Jovie is amazing. She is such a little trooper. I often forget that she's still only 3. Sometimes I assume she's of the same maturity as Pear because they do so much together and are similar in size but she is still only 3. She has the sweetest heart and continually blesses me. Jovie is a helper. She enjoys chores and wants to help me with Crew. She also loves to play games with me. The card game "war" is a favorite. We also really like Candy Land.

Pear is growing up. Recently after going to a park she said, "mom, that park was kind of boring for me." Oh, why can't they stay little and enjoy the simplicity of playing forever? She loves to dance and Disney radio is on for a good portion of our day. She especially loves Alvin and the Chipmunks music. (What kid doesn't?) She is going to start dance lessons in 2 weeks and she is thrilled! 

Adorable faces

My love and amazing husband. He makes me smile. He's an exceptionally smart guy and works super hard for me and our family. I am so thankful to have him.    

My little Jovie. She is such a sweetie. Jovie is my little helper. She loves to sweep and clean windows or wash the table and put away dishes. She keeps us  on our toes all day and all night. (She doesn't sleep very much.) My Jovie-jove is one sweet cookie.










Pretty little Pear- what a silly girl. She is such a helper with her little brothers. She loves to please her mommy and daddy. She loves to dance and we are thinking about letting her take hip-hop lessons soon! 

 

 My handsome big dude. This kid is a trooper. We've been adjusting to life with a new little dude in the home and at times I feel as though I received a new baby only to have the older one transform into a monster. That was not what I anticipated but we are working through things. Pike loves Crew, he just wishes Crew didn't have to be held by mom, fed by mom, and loved by mom as much as he is. Pike loves everything a typical boy loves. Right now he especially loves "aiw-panes". His love for airplanes started after a recent fighter jets were practicing their drills overhead Tumwater and he got to see them in all their glory. Now he is constantly on the lookout.









And finally, my sweet baby dude. Crew is 2 1/2 months now and is as sweet as ever. He is full of smiles and coos and the whole family enjoys soaking him up. Crew is chunking up nicely and seems to be right on track for growth and maturity.




What a blessed life I live!

in the blink of an eye..

The month went by. Crew is a month old. I can't believe it. I simply can't. And as crazy as the month has been, as much as some moments have hurt and as hard as life is with a newborn, 2-year-old, 3 1/2-year-old and a 5-year-old I'm sad that the blink is over.  I am sad that I will most likely never experience those newborn snuggles that only a mother truly gets to experience. I will never enjoy the distinct sweet smell of MY child during those first weeks out of the womb.

Don't take me wrong. My heart is filled to the brim with joy and thankfulness. I have 4 darling children who are healthy and full of energy and who exhaust me every day. I guess my sadness comes from the part of my heart that right now, is doing exactly what I know I'm created to do. I LOVE being a mom. I LOVE snuggling my babies. As hard as the rough nights are, I can handle them. As much as I like to have time to fix my hair or put on mascara for the day, I don't mind if I didn't get to it that day because I am doing what I love. Nurturing and caring for these children is what I dreamed of doing as a child. Some dream of being a doctor, an astronaut or a ballerina; all I've ever dreamed of was being a wife and mother. And the fact that at 26 years old, I will not be having another baby to love and relive that girlhood dream that has come true 4 times over for me, is a little sad.

I know just because my baby is no longer a newborn (he is still a newborn but he is changing all too quickly) doesn't mean that I'm no longer doing what I love. I get to nurture and love these children for the rest of my life BUT it does mean that they will only say silly things for so long and I will only experience first giggles once more and  this relationship that we currently have, the fact that I am the most important person in their life has an end point. Because they will grow up and I pray that they have the joy of finding a spouse and starting a family of their own.

On the bright side: Soon, our family will get to go on family bike-rides. We will be able to go on hikes. In a couple years, we'll probably even take a trip to Disneyland or go camping! I'll be cooking meals again in a year or two without a crying baby at my feet. Oh, and i might re-discover what this thing called sleep is. I am looking forward to another season of life, but please bear with me as I savor these baby stages. I may seem lazy at times while snuggling a sleeping baby but I'm really just trying to soak it up because you only live once and I'm living my dream right now! 

Crew Fenton Backholm

My water broke at 1:30 am on  Tuesday, April 24th. I was 38 weeks 2 days gestation in pregnancy. The  evening before I was having pre-labor contractions approximately every 5 minutes for about 3 hours and then they subsided. We had some friends over for a barbecue and enjoyed a warm Monday evening. I waited, wondering when I'd get to meet my little bundle. Upon my water breaking, I became excited. I had never entered labor by having my water break before. After Pike's speedy delivery, I thought for sure I'd have a baby within a few hours! Little did I know I was about to endure one of the longest days of my life! I called the midwives to report that my water broke and they advised me to get some rest and call if I began having contractions, otherwise to check back later that morning. I got a very little bit of rest because I was so excited.

 Stephen stayed home from work as we knew we'd be having a baby that day. We took the kids over to his parents (right across the street!) mid morning so that we could check in with the midwives. I began having contractions that morning but they were all over the place. 5 minutes apart for an hour and then jump to 15 minutes apart. Then back to 5 minutes, then 8 minutes. I was confused. I didn't know what to do. Pike's labor went so fast that I was nervous that if we weren't close to The Birth House, we might not make it. After heading closer to The Birth House and walking around for a bit and not having anything seem to get too intense or consistent, I decided we should just go home and get some things done while we wait for labor to progress.

We got home, got the kids, tucked them in for their nap and I decided to make individual fallen cakes to have that evening in celebration of a new baby. Upon making them, I began contracting every 4-5 minutes consistently for an hour. Stephen's mom came over to watch the kids so that we could go have this baby. We checked in at The Birth House and waited. I again, assumed that labor would progress quickly at this point. With Pike, it was only a couple of hours after contractions were at this point. Not so this time. We waited. We were bored. Contractions were slightly intense but I could still talk through them. Carolee checked to see where I was at and I was only at 3 cm at 2pm. Contractions were slightly intense but I could still talk through them. This continued for a few hours at this pace. Sometimes they'd slow down to every 7-8 minutes apart and then speed up to every 3 1/2.

Around 6 pm they started getting more intense. They were consistently every 3-4 minutes. I was tired. I was hot. I was starving! (I had only eaten a little bit because I was sure I'd have a baby before I'd get hungry.) I tried laboring in the tub but every time I did, contractions would slow down and I'd get really tired. Carolee checked me again to see my progress, I was dilated 6cm. Contractions became intense and I was so ready to be done. Stephen was a wonderful support but he too was tired and starving. I continued to pace through the contractions. I was so tired though that I'd sit in between or lean on the bed a sleep for a minute.

Finally around 9 pm I decided to prop myself up on pillows and I'd sleep, and then a contraction would come and I would moan through it and then sleep again for a brief moment. I had never been so tired. While propped on all fours and sleeping in between, I felt the urge to push but my body was not yet ready for Crew to emerge. With each contraction it took everything in me to push and not push at the same time. I decided I did not want to push this baby while on all fours. It just didn't feel right. I remember not knowing what to do. I just wanted to be done but I knew that it didn't feel right so I turned to my back and continued to strain through contractions until finally, Carolee helped stretch my cervix through a contraction (that was a miserable contraction!) enough that my body was ready. I pushed for approximately 30 minutes and little Crew emerged. He came out with his hand by his face. This is most likely why it took a lot longer this time than in previous times. He also came out with his cord loosely looped around his neck and he did a 180 degree turn upon popping out. All of this may have played a part in the slower progression.

 

Crew Fenton Backholm, 12 hours new.

 

Alas! 10:30 pm on April 24th, Crew had arrived. My baby was here and healthy. I was alive (though I doubted several times during the previous hours whether that would be true by the end) and healthy. No complications. No interventions. No medications. I felt great. Stephen got us some grub from Shari's. (Nothing else was open at 11:30pm.) Crew weighed in at 6lb 6oz and 19 1/2 inches long. We left the birth center at 1:30am Wednesday morning. Exactly 24 hours after my journey began with my water breaking. I got a couple hours of sleep and was greeted bright and early at 6am with Pike toddling in and saying in his highest, sweetest voice, "hi. hi. hi." and waving about 2 inches from Crews face. When the girls ran into our room minutes after Pike, it was love at first sight. Pear has been mesmerized and will never be the same. She will sit and stare for hours and then look up at me as if she is having the time of her life, just in awe of this little baby. Jovie loves to hold baby Crew and she is a proud big sister. Stephen and I are in awe all over again at the miracle of life and the love that comes with it. Who am I to be blessed with these children? God, give me the wisdom and the grace I need to raise them up to follow hard after you.