Sunday, May 27, 2012

in the blink of an eye..

The month went by. Crew is a month old. I can't believe it. I simply can't. And as crazy as the month has been, as much as some moments have hurt and as hard as life is with a newborn, 2-year-old, 3 1/2-year-old and a 5-year-old I'm sad that the blink is over.  I am sad that I will most likely never experience those newborn snuggles that only a mother truly gets to experience. I will never enjoy the distinct sweet smell of MY child during those first weeks out of the womb.

Don't take me wrong. My heart is filled to the brim with joy and thankfulness. I have 4 darling children who are healthy and full of energy and who exhaust me every day. I guess my sadness comes from the part of my heart that right now, is doing exactly what I know I'm created to do. I LOVE being a mom. I LOVE snuggling my babies. As hard as the rough nights are, I can handle them. As much as I like to have time to fix my hair or put on mascara for the day, I don't mind if I didn't get to it that day because I am doing what I love. Nurturing and caring for these children is what I dreamed of doing as a child. Some dream of being a doctor, an astronaut or a ballerina; all I've ever dreamed of was being a wife and mother. And the fact that at 26 years old, I will not be having another baby to love and relive that girlhood dream that has come true 4 times over for me, is a little sad.

I know just because my baby is no longer a newborn (he is still a newborn but he is changing all too quickly) doesn't mean that I'm no longer doing what I love. I get to nurture and love these children for the rest of my life BUT it does mean that they will only say silly things for so long and I will only experience first giggles once more and  this relationship that we currently have, the fact that I am the most important person in their life has an end point. Because they will grow up and I pray that they have the joy of finding a spouse and starting a family of their own.

On the bright side: Soon, our family will get to go on family bike-rides. We will be able to go on hikes. In a couple years, we'll probably even take a trip to Disneyland or go camping! I'll be cooking meals again in a year or two without a crying baby at my feet. Oh, and i might re-discover what this thing called sleep is. I am looking forward to another season of life, but please bear with me as I savor these baby stages. I may seem lazy at times while snuggling a sleeping baby but I'm really just trying to soak it up because you only live once and I'm living my dream right now!