Monday, November 16, 2015
touched by sadness.
When I worship my creator through song, it hits me to my core. I have always found it a great way to get lost in my king. I love words. I use words to praise my kids, my husband, my family. Words are important to me. They are a language that speaks to my heart. And I love song. I grew up singing throughout the day and belting out praise through music. So naturally I put those two together, along with using them to speak to a Savior who has extended massive amounts of grace, and yes, it hits me to my core.
Although it's always been a big part of me, and I do it with utmost sincerity, I have never been the emotional type, the type that cries on a whim or while in public. That all changed a year ago. Throughout the past year (beginning in October 2014,) I have sang out on my knees for God's faithfulness to shine through, for healing, for peace, for strength. And then it turned into continued cries for faithfulness to shine through amidst the sorrows we faced, for healing of our hearts, for more peace, for strength to continue on, for our hearts to be changed to touch the world through our experience. And then for the past few months, my hearts song has been out of the depths of me, to praise Christ even though I don't feel like it. For a while, I honestly just couldn't go there. It hurt too bad. I had a hard time speaking to God because I didn't understand and I didn't have any more words to pray.
Time has passed, it feels like eternity even though it's only been 9 months. On Sunday, while singing of God's faithfulness, the tears rolled down my face (as they do every time I worship Him since my dad's diagnosis,) and it struck me that what once was always a safe and joyful experience- singing praise to God- has now been touched by sadness. When I sing those words of how great his love is, how great his faithfulness is, how he has captured my heart, it reminds me of the sorrows, it brings back the fear and the doubt. It brings me back to the place I was in a year ago, trusting and hoping for a miracle, for God's faithfulness to shine through. It didn't shine through in the way I had hoped and trusted it would. And I still don't see how this is good. I don't see how this can make our family better. And so I cry. Tears roll down when my heart knows that He is faithful and my heart is choosing to trust Him while my flesh doesn't understand and my flesh doubts.
Have you seen Inside Out? It occurred to me that Sadness has touched my long term memories of worship and praise and of my faith in general. And although it's sad, I look at it with eager anticipation for the joy that follows suit. I KNOW my redeemer is faithful. I KNOW I am not, nor is my family, forgotten. And so, I push on, praising with tears rolling down my face.