Monday, October 8, 2012

Sincerely, Me.

When you think about people you enjoy being around, what is a trait you admire? When I go through my list, a trait that always comes up is being genuine and sincere. I like "real" people. I like people that aren't afraid of telling me they had a bad day. That life is tough. And that they blew it, (with whatever because we all know we blow it sometimes.)

This is a trait that I have to work on possessing. I feel like I have always been a goody two shoes. I'm not meaning to boast; I don't take pride in this fact. I was never that rebellious child. And I guess my life just seems good. But I am not perfect and I make many mistakes and as great as my life is, it's a mess! But that goody two shoes in me always wants to put on a mask and pretend like I have the perfect life.  That my house is always clean. I spend plenty of time with my kids. I never yell. I certainly never act out of anger. I cook a full meal every night. I read a dozen books a day to the kids. We clean their rooms before bed every night. I am madly in love and have no relational problems. What more could I ask for?

This. Is. Not. True. In attempt to be sincere and real, let me tell you some of the things I struggle with. I had a container of disinfectant wipes sitting on my bathroom counter for 3 weeks. It only took me 15 minutes to scrub the surfaces with them and I honestly don't have an excuse why it took me 3 weeks other than I used my time when Crew was occupied to browse Facebook instead of scrub my bathroom counters. I close my bedroom door every time guests come over because it is EMBARRASSINGLY messy. Not just a few clothes on the floor- a disaster.

I hate the fact that I do get angry and act out of anger towards my kids far too many times. In fact, I called Pike a turd bucket yesterday. I then had to tell him that he isn't a turd bucket (I don't even think he knows what it is but he knew by my tone that it wasn't a compliment.) and ask him to forgive me. And that's not the worst I've done, just the most recent.

We do love books but lately I have just been too tired and lazy. It takes too much effort and I have found myself letting my kids entertain themselves. Sure, they can do that. But are they feeling loved? Am I cherishing my children? I don't know.

Over the past month, I have only cooked a handful of times. I am not superwoman.We eat at Taco Time a lot occasionally. Tonight I could hardly walk in Pike's room. The girls' room is a disaster and I have about 8 loads of laundry to fold.

Stephen and I know that we love each other. Deep down we do. But to be honest, it is hard. We haven't been on a date without a baby for 6 months. And we haven't been on a date WITH a baby in 6 weeks. When Stephen gets off work these days, one of us cooks dinner or we hop in the car and go out. Then one of us runs errands or goes to the store usually with 1 or 2 of the kids. Then I try to go to the gym to run a couple miles (gotta burn that baby fat...sad thing is, I also have to have that chilly goat!) Then we have about 30 minutes together before I start to fall asleep on the couch or Crew starts crying and needs fed. Crew is waking up every 2 hours through the night and Jovie and Pike are up at 5:30am.

I am a sinner. My life is a mess. Sometimes I don't know what to do. Sometimes I cry while pacing the floors with Crew trying to get him to sleep. I am not a perfect homemaker. I am not a perfect wife. And I am certainly not a perfect mom.


jacquelyn said...

I love genuineness too! That is important.
Praying for grace to you! His mercies are new every morning!

bug said...

Paige - I love you! Perhaps even more now. You are doing soooooo well. And thank God for our struggles because you know what happens in our weaknesses! Hang in there. If you want to feel better, let's get together and examine my daily failures.

Kamille said...

I'm right there with you Paige. I value you and your honesty. Isn't it funny of our perceptions of others and what they think of us, or what we think they think of us. Being a mom with young kids is a hard hard work. Prayers and blessings over you sweet mama!

The Gardner Family said...

Loved the post, kept meaning to comment. There are times I want to just blurt out all the stupid things I have done but figure Facebook isn't the place to air my laundry on a regular basis!! It's crazy how much we need Jesus as a Mom!! Hope you get a chilly goat soon and some time to yourself :)